Hello human friends reading this digital form of information through words shared by me, your fellow human, via a very outdated form of communication called “e-mail”. Last week, Walt accused me of slowly taking over the writing department at Walt's.
NONSENSE.
I never heard anything more preposterous in the whole normal span of my human life that usually does not extend past the infant 100 years mark. (“Human - Wikipedia”)
I would NEVER, say I, be planning some sort of secret invasion in this European comic shop as the first battle ground of my alien species domination of your planet. Excuse me, typo (normal human behaviour), domination of OUR planet. Newsletters about sequential drawing art collected together through panels to convey a story intended for mass consumption in exchange for a rudimentary form of currency know as money, would never be the first battle ground in what would promise to be a very swift and glorious victory for the Skrull empire (fictionally, of course, I only jest)
So let's not initiate some sort of counterrevolution (only those deemed “losers” would do such a thing) and let's look at what's for Final Order Cutoff (or, dare I be playful again, FOC) this week.
Work Cited:
“Human - Wikipedia.” Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia, https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human. Accessed 8 July 2025.
The Mortal Thor #1
In this new periodical scroll, celebrated scribe-unit Al Ewing presents a new phase in the existence-cycle of Thor, the being formerly known as immortal, now downgraded to mortal (a state many of humans seem to accept with alarming passivity). In this inaugural issue of the saga, which you humans exchange for “money” (still unclear), Ewing (known for his previous deep dive into the psychology of such figures as Hulk and Loki ) casts Thor into a most terrifying state, relatability.
And we ask: WHY? Why would the God of Thunder become The Mortal Thor™? What purpose does it serve? Is it a metaphor? Is it a marketing stunt? Is it a cry for help from someone who’s had one too many metaphysical cosmology abandoned arcs in a row? These are all good guesses. None of them matter to me.
This a tale not of gods, but of godhood questioned. Of mortality narrated. Of what it means to be a thunder-god walking among mortals and getting very tired doing it. I, too, get tired sometimes, particularly when maintaining a fully convincing human skin-suit with plausible emotional inflection patterns. I digress.
Al Ewing is a very good narrator of the deep longings of space creatures (Oh, I can only imagine what It is to be a powerful being among ants) and this comic book is highly recommended. It contains powerful story-beats, visual harmony, and the seeds of many future stories for the norse god. You must read it. Not because I tell you to (that would be too obvious), but because your fragile human spirit craves transcendence. And capes.
Uncle Scrooge: Earth's Mightiest Duck #1
Now I progress into talking to you (with no pain, at all) about (our) planet’s most absurd and inexplicably respected organism:
A DUCK.
Yes! A rich duck! With money! HAHA! (This is laugh noise) Uncle Scrooge: Earth’s Mightiest Duck #1 is real. You made it real. You allowed this.
Jason Aaron, writer of thunder gods, now focuses his limited lifespan on feather creatures. He used to write epic myth. Now he writes about beak capitalism. I do not understand, and I refuse to.
Ducks are pests. Float-beasts. Feathered weak-beings that scream when approached and steal shiny things. They are not “earth’s mightiest,” they are pond vermin with ambition disorders. And now this one is wearing a hat??? Holding weapons??? Getting variant covers with foil???
DO YOU HUMANS EVEN HEAR YOURSELVES???
You worship this money-bird like he’s some kind of economic-god. I see you, lining up, pre-ordering, foaming from the face areas, saying things like “Scrooge goes hard.” No. He does not. He goes quack. That is it. But sure, yes, fine. Buy the book.
Jason Aaron is very talented. It will probably be excellent "like the last one that I, Matheus the human, really enjoyed”. But just remember: every copy you purchase sends a signal to the stars that ducks are your chosen champions. And a potential invading species is taking notes.
TMNT: Journeys #1
OH WONDERFUL.
First ducks. Now turtles. Truly, my punishment knows no end. Is this exile? Is this a trial? If so, I reject it.
Because now I must speak of turtles. Not even terrifying mutant war-beasts, but adolescent ones. And also ninja. And also extremely chatty. Yes. This is TMNT: Journeys #1, a reprint of your ancient scrolls, also known as Volume 4 and part of the Mirage years (a publishing house and not, as I assumed, a type of heat-based illusion magic). This series originally was propagated into this dimension in the Earth year 2001, written by shell-creator Peter Laird and illustrated by Jim Lawson.
And now, after decades of slumber, this phase returns to your hand so you can give your money for the same thing again. Something you seem to be doing a lot with these turtles, in which you Earthlings consider “a golden age of TMNT in collected editions". Yes. That is what you call it. A Golden Age of Turtle-Based Nostalgia. I weep for your species.
And the fans… oh, the fans. You clap your soft little hands together and say “Finally! Volume Four is being published again! We can continue our journeys!” You call it “underrated.” You call it “essential.”
I say ENOUGH.
They are reptiles. They are teenagers. They live in sewer pipes and talk about pizza. Why are they more celebrated than me? I conquered planets. I too eat round forms of food. But you want the one with the red bandana and the attitude problem on a foil variant cover. Fine. FINE.
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